


fever dream (love is just another leap of faith)

by moonteez



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not Beta Read, Of suicide, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide, i dont know what this is, lapslock, pls be safe cause there are HEAVY mentions, this is just sad????, this is lowkey self indulgent pls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:35:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23750167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonteez/pseuds/moonteez
Summary: na jaemin was not stronger than the love he held for park jisung and park jisung was not strong at all.
Relationships: Na Jaemin/Park Jisung
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	fever dream (love is just another leap of faith)

**Author's Note:**

> TW!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE SURE YOU'VE READ THE TAGS ILY ALL BE SAFE <33
> 
> title from fever dream by mxmtoon

na jaemin was taught love was made of tears and heartbreak. love was something you had to fight for. something you didn't deserve until you proved it.

jaemin's mother always said, "jaemin-ah, don't expect too much. love will do amazing things to you, but you will never be stronger than love."

jaemin wanted his first love to match the ones in the movies, the ones he read about in books. the type of love that was about kissing in the rain and spending your life together. love that was worth both living and dying for.

jaemin's love did not come in either of these forms. his love was not movie worthy nor his mother's failed marriage.

jaemin's love came in the form of park jisung.

park jisung who was tall and lanky, but danced so wonderfully. park jisung who was intelligent and friendly. park jisung who worked at the dance academy only three buildings down from the pizza place jaemin was currently sat in.

his love came in the form of recitals and college essays, shaky breaths in the kitchen on cold fall mornings, the smell of fresh coffee.

what jaemin was not prepared for was when his mother's words finally made sense. he was not stronger than love.

he was not stronger than the love that ripped jisung away from him for days on end. not stronger than the love that made it easy to let jisung back into his apartment at ungodly hours of the night.

na jaemin was not stronger than the love he held for park jisung and park jisung was not strong at all.

their love was too easy, jaemin thinks. too easy to kiss for the first time, too easy to drunkenly confess and still feel the same way in the morning.

it was too easy for jaemin to wake up to the love of his life every day and go on dates whenever they wanted.

jaemin remembers when jisung mentioned marriage, three years into their relationship. it was a simple morning for them. a lazy day. he'd brought it up casually while cooking yet it still threw jaemin off balance.

the tea he was pouring never made it into the cup. jaemin and jisung never got married.

when jisung began to lie to him, jaemin reminded himself of love. of how much he loved and trusted jisung.

"i'm going out to window shop!" jisung says, looking up from his computer. "it's fun, hyung. how am i the youngest in this relationship?"

the night jisung never came home made him question if it was his fault. if he would have tried harder. maybe he didn't try hard enough, maybe he didn't love jisung hard enough.

park jisung always believed in love. his mother had always told him how love was such a beautiful thing, something to look forward to.

jisung didn't think he deserved love. he never looked for it, never payed attention to it.

but jisung saw love in na jaemin, up until the day he died. he saw the love in his soft touches, subtle gazes. the breakfast made in the morning and how he would always welcome jisung back into his apartment with open arms.

jisung never pictured love to come in the form of a boy who cried over romance movies and made forts in the living room on rainy nights. his love came in the form of dance practices and texts asking the other what they wanted for lunch.

he never saw love in himself. not in his dark eyes and dark hair, not in his long body or loud personality. jisung never saw love in all the things jaemin adored.

maybe that's why he didn't come home that night. maybe that's why it was so easy to close his eyes and let his car fill with water.

if he couldn't see the love and happiness in jaemin's touch, in jaemin's hand packed lunch, in jaemin himself.

maybe he wasn't cut out for this. the lies and the fights were enough to drive him to insanity.

but dead or alive park jisung would never forget the first time he looked into jaemin's eyes and no longer saw love.

he would never forget the look of sadness and frustration jaemin gave him when he begged him to come back to bed and just go to sleep.

jisung would never forget the last message from jaemin, pleading him to stay safe and be smart.

when jaemin walks through the doors of the funeral home, through the hallways of old paintings and into the empty room, void of life. void of love.

he thinks he didn't prove himself enough. he didn't fight hard enough and he didn't deserve love.

**Author's Note:**

> twt: intakification


End file.
